Willy Wonka was sort of insane.
I guess everyone's kind of realized this already, especially with the Johnny Depp movie that came out a few years ago. But I mean, if you really think about it, Willy Wonka was just completely insane. I don't care what excuses he may have to give, but you don't get a child to take over your company when you want to retire. And you especially don't set up a candy-torture-Gauntlet for kids to go through so you can test their worthiness and ability to run your factory. I mean, those four other kids who didn't make the cut could have probably sued for quite a lot of money at the end of the movie there. Violet was blue, probably for life because it doesn't really specify in the movies or the book if she ever recovers. Mike Teevee was shrunk, then pretty much drawn and quartered, candy style, until he was back at his 'original height', which by the way was probably a good two feet taller than he originally was. Augustus almost drowned in chocolate. Veruca...meh, she got what was coming to her, but Mr. Wonka probably ruined some very expensive clothing-wear when he got her dumped into the furnace/garbage disposal, whatever the heck it was.
And Mr. Wonka doesn't even care about all of this. "Oh, just let those kids be, they'll get over the emotional trauma of my candy Gauntlet and hopefully that blue will just come out in the wash, and hey, that family's rich, they can replace that charbroiled mink coat, and Mike, well, he'll be good at basketball..."
Insane. Completely insane.
Poor Charlie's in for a world of trouble here.
And a lot of people don't even really know the depths of Wonka's insanity, because they never read the sequel to the Chocolate Factory. Ever heard of Willy Wonka and the Great Glass Elevator? Yeah, Wonka pretty much ends up shooting Charlie and his family, half of them bedridden, into space in that flying elevator of his.
It's torture to old people. They really spend half the book screaming/fretting about dying. And then they all get turned into babies somewhere near the end of it and risk reverting into nothing because they drank some sort of anti-aging potion gone terribly wrong, and yeah, does this sound like a sane man's work to you, because I'm already lost and horribly scarred just trying to remember all this.
I think Charlie would have been better off going to Candy Mountain.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
On Why I Can Officially and Safely Speak Against Chuck Norris
If you read the title to this post, you probably think me mad or daft or incredibly brave, perhaps even a combination of the three. And yes, perhaps I am all of those things, but thanks to a few comments made by my Biology teacher, I am safe to leave the side of Chuck Norris. A new side has formed, a side that can rival Chuck Norris and perhaps even defeat him. My friends, I speak of the side of Jack Churchill.
Most of you, I'm sure, are wondering 'Who the hell is Jack Churchill?' He was born in Hong Kong, to English parents, in September of 1906. He fought in World War 2 and survived. But he didn't just fight in World War 2 like any other mere mortal. Oh no.
He went into battle with nothing but a kilt, a longbow, and a Scottish broadsword.
That's right, folks. He went into battle against German Nazis armed with guns and tanks with nothing but medieval weaponry and no body armor whatsoever. And he didn't lose, mind you. He actually caused German forces to surrender. He shot down Nazis with his longbow and hacked them down with his sword. He was captured three times, yes, but he escaped. All. Three. Times.
He also went into battle several times with bagpipes, often using the instruments tunes to summon his troops to battle, or to signal to start firing. So in summary, this man faced down World War 2 with no armor, primative weaponry, and bagpipes.
You've got to be some sort of beast of a man to be able to pull that off. Chuck Norris don't got nothin' on this dude. I don't see a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick felling someone who faces down tanks with a broadsword.
So yeah, I feel pretty safe in saying I'm on the Jack Churchill side now. Forget Chuck Norris, I-
(This post has been discontinued do to the author suddenly dying of spontaneous roundhouse kick to the head. Please disregard any of the above text. Chuck Norris is superior to this Churchill infidel. He will be punished. He will not survive the night.)
Most of you, I'm sure, are wondering 'Who the hell is Jack Churchill?' He was born in Hong Kong, to English parents, in September of 1906. He fought in World War 2 and survived. But he didn't just fight in World War 2 like any other mere mortal. Oh no.
He went into battle with nothing but a kilt, a longbow, and a Scottish broadsword.
That's right, folks. He went into battle against German Nazis armed with guns and tanks with nothing but medieval weaponry and no body armor whatsoever. And he didn't lose, mind you. He actually caused German forces to surrender. He shot down Nazis with his longbow and hacked them down with his sword. He was captured three times, yes, but he escaped. All. Three. Times.
He also went into battle several times with bagpipes, often using the instruments tunes to summon his troops to battle, or to signal to start firing. So in summary, this man faced down World War 2 with no armor, primative weaponry, and bagpipes.
You've got to be some sort of beast of a man to be able to pull that off. Chuck Norris don't got nothin' on this dude. I don't see a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick felling someone who faces down tanks with a broadsword.
So yeah, I feel pretty safe in saying I'm on the Jack Churchill side now. Forget Chuck Norris, I-
(This post has been discontinued do to the author suddenly dying of spontaneous roundhouse kick to the head. Please disregard any of the above text. Chuck Norris is superior to this Churchill infidel. He will be punished. He will not survive the night.)
Monday, March 28, 2011
Music-y Goodness
I have found a new band and its name is Pendulum. I am convinced that this is actually a band I founded. In the future, when time machines have been invented, I go back in time and I make this band and this music.
It's strange, really. I heard one of their songs on an online radio and something just clicked. I felt the song. There was something that just made sense when I heard it, and so I went onto Youtube and listened to more and more of their songs until I just knew that they were my new favorite band. Each of their songs is slightly different, too, even though they're by the same band. And each one of the songs just represents something me. There's a song that's sounds to me like the ending to an anime. There's a song that's like a remix to a Super Mario theme, or something that could replace a Super Mario song. There's a song that just seems to mirror every stressful thing in my life at the moment in one simple chorus.
But the thing that really just clicks with me is how much I can feel the emotion. I think that's what makes a person like music. Yes, you listen to the music and like how it sounds and like the words, but really...when you like a band, you feel it. It resonates within you, it connects to what you're feeling and then inserts emotions into you and you just...feel it.
If someone ever asks me what music I like, I'm going to tell them that I like music with emotion. I think that just about sums up everything I like in music. Every genre, every artist...I like them because I can feel what they're trying to sing to me, trying to play for me.
So, I'll be saving up to buy Pendulum CDs now. If you want to check them out, look up their songs 'Witchcraft', 'Crush', and 'The Island, Part 1' on Youtube or something, I'm too lazy to put links.
And the new Within Temptation CD comes out tomorrow, by the way, which I am stoked for and have already preordered on iTunes. I will save you the rant on how excited I am. Instead know that I will not be hearing anything you say to me tomorrow because I will be listening to that CD. Sorry, but that's just the way it's going to be. :P
It's strange, really. I heard one of their songs on an online radio and something just clicked. I felt the song. There was something that just made sense when I heard it, and so I went onto Youtube and listened to more and more of their songs until I just knew that they were my new favorite band. Each of their songs is slightly different, too, even though they're by the same band. And each one of the songs just represents something me. There's a song that's sounds to me like the ending to an anime. There's a song that's like a remix to a Super Mario theme, or something that could replace a Super Mario song. There's a song that just seems to mirror every stressful thing in my life at the moment in one simple chorus.
But the thing that really just clicks with me is how much I can feel the emotion. I think that's what makes a person like music. Yes, you listen to the music and like how it sounds and like the words, but really...when you like a band, you feel it. It resonates within you, it connects to what you're feeling and then inserts emotions into you and you just...feel it.
If someone ever asks me what music I like, I'm going to tell them that I like music with emotion. I think that just about sums up everything I like in music. Every genre, every artist...I like them because I can feel what they're trying to sing to me, trying to play for me.
So, I'll be saving up to buy Pendulum CDs now. If you want to check them out, look up their songs 'Witchcraft', 'Crush', and 'The Island, Part 1' on Youtube or something, I'm too lazy to put links.
And the new Within Temptation CD comes out tomorrow, by the way, which I am stoked for and have already preordered on iTunes. I will save you the rant on how excited I am. Instead know that I will not be hearing anything you say to me tomorrow because I will be listening to that CD. Sorry, but that's just the way it's going to be. :P
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A Brief History Lesson
So I have inherited my mother's laptop. It is a very pleasing experience to use it. No longer do I have to huddle on my computer chair with a blanket wrapped tightly around me for warmth as I type things up or browse the internet. No, now I can has computer in bed. It's like breakfast in bed, only better because a laptop has a lot more options than breakfast. You can only eat a breakfast. With a laptop, there's so much more...
But I digress. Today I was watching the show 'Deadliest Warrior', and the episode that I managed to catch was actually quite amusing. Vlad the Impaler vs Sun Tsu (Chinese General who was a very good tactician, if you didn't know. I'm pretty sure everyone's at least heard of Vlad the Impaler.) The match went to Vlad hands down, 652 wins to Sun Tsu's 348. The analysis that went into the episode was interesting, but it's sort of Vlad's history that interests me more. I mean, the guy was a freaking psychopath. A freaking awesome psychopath. As you've probably heard, he liked to dine every day in a forest of his impaled enemies. He would literally dip his bread into his fallen enemy's blood and eat it. A famous story with him involved how two Turk emissaries came to his castle and refused to take off their turbans because of their religious beliefs. So Vlad had the turbans nailed to their heads and the bodies of the two sent back to the rest of the Turks to serve as an example.
So...why can't we write about guys like him in our history classes? I mean, I'm sure I could write a much cooler essay about Mr. Vlad than about, I don't know, the Communist Revolution in Russia. I mean, everyone writes about those types of things. Everyone knows about the main issues that are covered in History, because we've all gone over them six or seven times in our grade school life. I think high school history should have covered some more interesting topics. After all, how often do you talk about a forest of impaled victims in school? I think a lot more people would have wanted to take history classes, am I right?
That's just my take on things, I suppose.
Oh, and by the way, Vlad the Impaler inspired Dracula. Don't you think that's an important historical fact that should have been covered in history? I think so.
But I digress. Today I was watching the show 'Deadliest Warrior', and the episode that I managed to catch was actually quite amusing. Vlad the Impaler vs Sun Tsu (Chinese General who was a very good tactician, if you didn't know. I'm pretty sure everyone's at least heard of Vlad the Impaler.) The match went to Vlad hands down, 652 wins to Sun Tsu's 348. The analysis that went into the episode was interesting, but it's sort of Vlad's history that interests me more. I mean, the guy was a freaking psychopath. A freaking awesome psychopath. As you've probably heard, he liked to dine every day in a forest of his impaled enemies. He would literally dip his bread into his fallen enemy's blood and eat it. A famous story with him involved how two Turk emissaries came to his castle and refused to take off their turbans because of their religious beliefs. So Vlad had the turbans nailed to their heads and the bodies of the two sent back to the rest of the Turks to serve as an example.
So...why can't we write about guys like him in our history classes? I mean, I'm sure I could write a much cooler essay about Mr. Vlad than about, I don't know, the Communist Revolution in Russia. I mean, everyone writes about those types of things. Everyone knows about the main issues that are covered in History, because we've all gone over them six or seven times in our grade school life. I think high school history should have covered some more interesting topics. After all, how often do you talk about a forest of impaled victims in school? I think a lot more people would have wanted to take history classes, am I right?
That's just my take on things, I suppose.
Oh, and by the way, Vlad the Impaler inspired Dracula. Don't you think that's an important historical fact that should have been covered in history? I think so.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
The Fuuuuuuuture
So, I had a strange thought today, one that sort of disturbs and concerns me all at the same time. That thought was: what will I be like when I'm seventy? Will I still be as insane and hyper as I am now? Probably not as hyper, but to be honest, I cannot see my mannerisms changing that much in the next fifty years. I can't ever see myself quit watching anime, for example, but to be honest it's sort of strange to imagine an old lady laughing at Keroro Gunso, or still attempting to play Legend of Zelda on the Wii. (Which will probably be outdated by then, but I can see myself playing it anyway. That and the GameBoy Advance SP, which I still have.)
And what will my grandchildren think of me? (Assuming I have them.) I mean, I guess I could either turn out a really awesome grandmother or a really creepy one ranting about how the good days of video games have gone and whatnot and how much I miss when Toonami was still on Cartoon Network. I think the latter is slightly more likely. I cannot see myself coming across as a mentally stable grandparents.
By then, of course, following the trends of today, all books will probably be electronic, and I'll probably be ranting about that too. If my grandkids don't know what an actual book looks like, I will probably have to beat them with my grandmother cane. And give them some books, of course.
Anyway, I guess I'm just sort of concerned about myself. These are the thoughts that go through my head as I'm busy browsing Kohl's at eleven in the morning.
Oh, and by the way, Rebecca Black was right. Saturday does come after Friday! What a concept!
And what will my grandchildren think of me? (Assuming I have them.) I mean, I guess I could either turn out a really awesome grandmother or a really creepy one ranting about how the good days of video games have gone and whatnot and how much I miss when Toonami was still on Cartoon Network. I think the latter is slightly more likely. I cannot see myself coming across as a mentally stable grandparents.
By then, of course, following the trends of today, all books will probably be electronic, and I'll probably be ranting about that too. If my grandkids don't know what an actual book looks like, I will probably have to beat them with my grandmother cane. And give them some books, of course.
Anyway, I guess I'm just sort of concerned about myself. These are the thoughts that go through my head as I'm busy browsing Kohl's at eleven in the morning.
Oh, and by the way, Rebecca Black was right. Saturday does come after Friday! What a concept!
Friday, March 25, 2011
My Very First Blog Post - What an Achievement!
So, after much consideration, I have decided to write a blog on the thoughts I have about my daily life. Many people have told me I need to write more, and even more people have told me I need to think more, so I thought to myself, why not combine both requests into snappy blog posts? Everybody's doing it, right? (Blogs...so mainstream. So I do one anyways.)
But enough introduction. If you're here for any purpose at all, it's to see what goes on in the little inner workings of my mind. I'll tell you what's going on in my mind right now. Completely ridiculous dreams.
You ever have one of those 'nightmares' where if you take a step back and look at it, you aren't even sure why you got so worked up over it in the first place? Let me tell you about a dream I had last night. In my dream I had about a dozen hamsters, all in one cage, mind you, and I was out of food for all of them. For some strange reason, this tiny thought caused much more grief and panic than the dream I had a couple nights ago when I was being chased around by killer, rabid penguins. I mean, really, it doesn't make any sense at all. Logically, if you are out of hamster food, you go to the store and buy some, right? You don't freak out over it.
I looked up the meaning to this dream on Dream Moods. Apparently to dream about hamsters represents underdeveloped emotions. I am distancing myself from others so I won't get hurt. A lack of food in a dream means I'm hungry.
...just kidding, they didn't have 'lack of food' on Dream Moods. But that's my interpretation of it anyway.
So I'm hungry and apparently repressing myself. What a start to my blogging adventure. I can't wait to go to sleep again tonight.
But enough introduction. If you're here for any purpose at all, it's to see what goes on in the little inner workings of my mind. I'll tell you what's going on in my mind right now. Completely ridiculous dreams.
You ever have one of those 'nightmares' where if you take a step back and look at it, you aren't even sure why you got so worked up over it in the first place? Let me tell you about a dream I had last night. In my dream I had about a dozen hamsters, all in one cage, mind you, and I was out of food for all of them. For some strange reason, this tiny thought caused much more grief and panic than the dream I had a couple nights ago when I was being chased around by killer, rabid penguins. I mean, really, it doesn't make any sense at all. Logically, if you are out of hamster food, you go to the store and buy some, right? You don't freak out over it.
I looked up the meaning to this dream on Dream Moods. Apparently to dream about hamsters represents underdeveloped emotions. I am distancing myself from others so I won't get hurt. A lack of food in a dream means I'm hungry.
...just kidding, they didn't have 'lack of food' on Dream Moods. But that's my interpretation of it anyway.
So I'm hungry and apparently repressing myself. What a start to my blogging adventure. I can't wait to go to sleep again tonight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)