Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Facts Every Driver Must Learn Before I Mow Them Down With My Car Out of Frustration

A rather long title, I know, but it gets my point across. After driving for three years now, I've realized that some people just never paid attention in driving school and obviously never learned some of the basic points of being out on the road. So, to make things simpler for everyone, I've compiled a list of necessary facts every driver must remember, free of charge. You guys should be sending me Poptarts for this kind of business.

1. Tailgating a car does not, in fact, make a car drive faster. I know this is a somewhat common belief pretty much anywhere, and when I find the person who first spread this belief they will be dropped into the bowels of Aperture so they can be picked apart by birds. (LOLPORTALREFERENCELOL) Anyways, if you are one of those moro-lovely people who enjoy tailgating because they don't know how to drive the speed limit, keep this fact in mind. Tailgating someone only ticks them off and makes them more likely to run you over later.
2. Speed limits exist for a reason. This reason is not so you can blatantly break them and zoom off at whatever speed you desire. Speed limits were made so that you don't kill yourself and other people when you suddenly come across a sharp turn in the road. Do you know what happens when you hit a spontaneous turn at seventy miles an hour? It's equivalent to a Michael Bay movie.
3. Stop signs exist for a reason. The reason is not so you can ignore them. The reason is so you don't get mowed down by cars driving in the perpendicular direction that don't happen to have a stop sign. Stop signs exist to save your hide. I'd suggest paying attention to them.
4. Traffic lights exist for a reason. See the above on stop signs and replace 'stop sign' with 'traffic light'.
5. Zooming across lanes to get around cars does not get you to your destination faster. In fact, it only ticks off the people driving around you and makes them more likely to run you over later.
6. Side and rear-view mirrors exist for a reason. The reason is to freaking LOOK IN THEM. If there is a car next to you in the lane you want to switch into, for the love of all that is good and holy, don't go into the freaking lane until the car is either behind you or well in front of you. Otherwise you'll start another Michael Bay movie.
7. Again, for the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT TALK ON YOUR CELLPHONE WHILE YOU ARE DRIVING. This excludes Bluetooths and like, of course. I'm talking about the actual having cellphone in your hand talk. If you are one of the moro-lovely people who think you are capable of having a coherent conversation and navigating rush hour traffic with one hand at the same time, you need to go stick your head under a garden weasel for ten minutes. Trust me, it will help.
8. If any of the above happens to you, do not overreact. Road rage just creates more Michael Bay movies. Trust me, I'll take care of all the morons for you, so just sit back and laugh at the fools who didn't learn how to drive properly. They'll get what's coming to them.
9. As a final thought, and out of courtesy for everyone else, do not drive through giant rain puddles going over thirty miles per hour unless you absolutely have to. Not only does it dirty your car, it also dirties the twenty pedestrians waiting for the bus on the street next to you.

There, now those nine things aren't that hard to follow, right? Now everyone start posting these rules everywhere on the Internet and pray that at least fifteen percent of the country's population reads them. You'd be surprised how much better the roads would be.

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